the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he was CRYING into my vagina
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
