eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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