I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
