Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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