dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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