This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Randomize
