She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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