decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
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what is it with giant penises always finding me
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
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How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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