you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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