And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
