After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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