Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
