im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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