Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
