M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
