My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
