My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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