The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
