this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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