i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
