I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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