I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
