then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
