im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
