I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
