Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize