im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Barsexuality is the new black.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
