Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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