Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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