she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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