Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
