in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
