I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
