I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
