Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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