Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
