The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
