Four minutes until I can fart!
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
