TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
