Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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