Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
