his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
