Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize