Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just gargled with NyQuil
A bitchslap is in order.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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