just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
