if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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