I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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