I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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