Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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