i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
