He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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