hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
