does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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