I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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