i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
