I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
