Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
