Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
